I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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