it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
