What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
