I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
