So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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