we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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