you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
