I'm really into asian looking animals
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
