id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
