dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
