doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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