Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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