never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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