Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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