hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
