I need to stop coming to work sober
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
