I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
