Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
