I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
