apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
