highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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