the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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