I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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