Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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