At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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