apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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