she smelled like a LAN party
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
