I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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