Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
