i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
