I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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