So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
