Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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