I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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