Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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