Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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