So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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