Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
