I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
