I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
