The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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