we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
