and i looked up. we had an audience...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
