Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
