Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I think I just sharted jello shots
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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