i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
