Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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