Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
