seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
