Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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