don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
